Greatest Bar Conversation I've Ever Seen (NSFW)

Bars and pubs were originally almost a sort of town hall. There are many tales of the founding fathers of America planning the revolution and writing the documents we read about in grade school. Bars for most people these days are a means of cutting loose, possibly venting your problems, and having a laugh.

If you work in this industry long enough in front of the house you hear a lot of interesting conversations. I've seen first dates crash and burn. I've heard lawyers give counsel to clients. I've heard businessmen negotiate deals and a couple politicians talking shop. There have been many rousing debates ranging from "Who was the star of that movie?" to far more serious matters. There was one conversation I partook in the other day that I believe takes the cake in terms of the greatest bar conversation.

What is the best food to eat while receiving oral sex?

I can't exactly remember how this conversation wound up to its final point of debate. I know it started with the idea of the greatest sensation a person can experience, or more sensations experienced simultaneously.

There is a great comedian by the name of Dylan Moran who I've referenced a few times in my blog. He was on stage one night said, "I know you people really want. I know what everybody wants. You're thinking 'I want to be laying down on a cushion, with my mouth full of chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.' that's all you want."

A more commonplace idea I hear discussed is the idea of a "Shower Beer". This is a fabulous thing which I've partaken in many times. The hot with the cold, the relaxation, it's grand. But then the idea of "Shower Beer and a Blowjob" came around. A truly epic idea, which I may or may not have experienced. This was the case at the particular bar I was in one fortunate evening. The bartender said that she was partial to cheese fries and cunnilingus, perhaps the most modern American sentence of all time.

The debate raged with a few common agreements being made. Nothing using utensils where you had to cut the food up, or anything being excessively spicy need be considered. Various styles of pizza were a favorite. The joke of 69ing was of course made. But the idea really does sort of circle around the ego boost of the activities. You're feeling like king or queen of the world, like the great caesar being fed grapes by a concubine. Sushi was popular for a few people.

A few people went the desert route with ice cream sandwiches or chocolate-covered strawberries. Someone just said a milkshake. One particularly interesting person said fondue. With cheese, we circled back around to savory. Peanut butter and jelly, lobster Mac'n'cheese bacon-wrapped shrimp, ribs, wings. I personally think wings would be too much of a distraction. Gummi bears were well received. But a favorite was fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

What's your answer?

What's the best discussion you've ever overheard?

Photo Credit: pxhere, pixabay

The Shamrock in the Guinness.

I remember the first time I went into a pub and ordered a Guinness. This was a good, proper pub that poured it on nitro, had the glasses, and knew what they were doing with it. I'd had Guinness by the can and bottle before but there's something special about getting a beer on draft. I also remember going into a pub a few years ago and ordering a Guinness and noticed an extra step in its serving, drawing a shamrock in the foam. I thought this was a cute little touch at first, but the more feedback I hear from people whose opinion I respect in such matters, the more I dislike the idea. 

The original piece of negative feedback I heard on the subject was from a character named Super Hans on the David Mitchell show, Peep Show. He said you were effectively drinking an advertisement for a product you're already drinking. I find that argument a bit lacking, but it is a point. I more prefer the argument that it actually diminishes the ritual of the perfect Pint. 

Guinness has a long-standing standard of what it is to perfectly pour their beer. They offer a certification program for bartenders. You're meant to take a clean, dry, clear Guinness branded glass at a 45-degree angle and pull the handle. Once the beer reaches the harp you straighten the glass and stop the tap. Let the beer cascade until it's gasses settle. The continue to fill to give the beer a perfect head. Or as Dara O'Briain explained: "You have to let it sit, let it go black. Then you push it back so that more gas goes into it. 5/12 of an inch is the ideal head around the top. And if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork." 

As a friend put it once, "Never go into a bar that has a neon shamrock." The Shamrock in the pint seems to be the mark of a place that is Irish for the sake of being a theme restaurant. There's a big difference between your chains and your properly Irish pubs. A pub is simple, it doesn't need frills or flashy lights. It just needs good beer and quaint surroundings to be with friends. I can't stand plastic cups. Karaoke belongs in karaoke bars. Irish Pubs just need beer, proper beer. It's a pub, not a Starbucks. I've said enough quotes this post so I think I'll close on a song that explains what way too many pubs have become: 

My Ideal Meal

This was an interesting thought experiment I posed to myself. What would my ideal meal be if money, materials, and time were no object? My birthday is coming soon at the time of writing this post and I was wondering what I'd like to do for it. A nice hearty dinner has always been a tradition, but if I could have anything, from any restaurant, for any number of courses, along with any drink pairings, what would I want? To be clear, these are all items I've enjoyed individually in the past, though not necessarily together. While these are not all my favorite foods specifically, they are foods that hold some significance or nostalgia to me. I hope you enjoy it. What would you do for your greatest meal ever?

Drink 1: Americano

This is my staple before meal drink. It's light. It opens my palate. It won't compete with other flavors and it's one where I can sip it at any speed I like and on a hot day, it is truly refreshing. This drink was the first drink ever ordered by James Bond in Ian Flemming's novel, Casino Royale. I adore Campari so I knew I'd need that in my first drink as it is an aperitif. For the vermouth, I would prefer Vya, a new, Californian made, line of Vermouth. I might take it with regular soda, but I would prefer it with Perrier. It is worth mentioning that during the entire meal I would like a side of ice water. 

Appetizer: Cheese and Meat Plate

To follow up with the last bits of my cocktail, I would like to consume an array of cured meats and fine cheeses. I know I would require some prosciutto, ideally thin-sliced prosciutto de parma. Some of the meats must be a bit spiced, some properly made pepperoni, salami, or bologna. One of the greatest slices I've eaten recently was actually of duck prosciutto so I'd like a few slices of that, but not too many as it's quite rich. I'd like a bit of Roquefort, sheep's blue cheese, but again not too much. In contrast, I believe that some smoked brie or Pierre Robert would be in order. We may as well throw in some goat's milk cheese as well, some bucheron perhaps. Naturally, there would be a few other compliments such as candied walnuts and spicy stone mustard, along with bread, oil, and jam.

Drink 2 and 3: Sazerac & Fruh Kolsch

As I move from lighter flavors of cheese to some stronger flavors I opted for my ultimate favorite cocktail and a good all day drinking beer. Yes, a bit of double fisting here, but I would be sitting and having water as well. The Sazerac is really a favorite cocktail if I know I have a competent bartender tending to me. It's supposedly the first cocktail truly invented in the United States though there is much dispute over this. The original recipe supposedly called for cognac, and then started being cut with rye, until eventually it just became a rye whiskey cocktail, which is how I like it. I like Dad's Hat Rye with Grande Absente for the rinse. 

Fruh holds a special place in my heart as the first drink I ever had technically legally. Sorry, Herr Goetz but I had a few beers when I was on the school exchange in Germany. It was in violation of the school regulations, but it was worth it. A group of us students went out with the German students to Rhein Park and we drank. We got a case of Fruh and of something else, Spaten or Becks. I'd had plenty of beer before, even wine, and a few liquors. But there was something about that beer that made me feel good. This was the first where I really felt like that there was nothing wrong with it. We didn't have to hide it from anybody. I looked for this beer everywhere when I came to be of age in the United States to no success. It is in no way the best beer I've ever had, but it's a simple true pleasure. One particularly bad day I found myself at a bar and they had Fruh on draft. As I was drinking that beer all the awful things that were happening fell away.

Entree: Surf and Turf with Potatoes and Mac 'n' Cheese
You can never go wrong with two premium pieces of meat. Steak is one of those things that pair well with the heartier cheeses and my new refreshments. One of my favorite meals at my old job was a 9-ounce steak cooking in its own bloody juices topped with a disk of melted soft cheese, I forget which one at this time and a few potato medallions cooked in what I recall being duck fat. Like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, I typically take my steak bloody as hell. To pay homage to the song of a dear friend, I think I'd have a porterhouse. Though I'd take it pan-roasted to medium rare with butter and light seasoning. A really wet steak would not be best paired with my other dishes and sides.

I have a long-standing love of lobster. I remember being a boy and cooking live lobsters with my parents. My cat would fight them and my father would try to recreate the scene from Naked Gun 2 1/2. I remember visiting Cape Cod in the summers as a child and eventually coming to love ripping apart and eating the messy treat. A bit of melted butter to pair with a split lobster tail and two big fat cracked claws is all I could ask for were it to be paired with a steak as well. I imagine a 2-pound lobster would suffice for this.

I debated a long time what side or sides I would want with this main course. Potatoes were what came so naturally, it was almost a cliche. Baked potatoes were never my style. Roast potatoes in duck fat would easily be my ideal, but I always like mashed potatoes too. So I decided to have both. A half dozen or so baby potatoes split and fried to give them a nice crisp snap. Naturally, a little salt and pepper, possibly rosemary.

The mashed potatoes would require some mix-ins. A bit of garlic and cheddar cheese should suffice, but butter, cream, and other light flavors would be welcome. A nice creamy feeling to wash the palate. I don't care for them overly lumpy or fluffy. a nice creamy texture is what makes it my comfort food. I thought of incorporating bacon to the potatoes, but I thought that better suited to some pasta, or better yet, some Mac 'n' Cheese.

I firmly believe that the best macaroni and cheese is baked with bread crumbs on top, forming a crust. Bacon pieces should be incorporated, not bacon bits, pan-cooked bacon sliced to about 3/4". Also, nice long noodles please, while elbows and shells promote nostalgic thoughts of mom making Kraft or Velveeta, I believe, in this case, comfort food serves the function of providing the comfort. Oddly enough the cheese sauce blend isn't a real concern for me in this dish though I would like it not to be over watery, and preferably to have a little spice to it, a little warmth.

Drink 4: Patron Burdeos
I thought a very long time about what my after-dinner drink should be. Ideally, my previous two would hold through my main course spread. I thought of whiskey, port, amaro, or even a boozy milkshake kind of drink. While whiskey was my style, I thought it better suited to leave that to pair with the steak and not to be with dessert. Then I thought of brandy. No, that wouldn't be for me. While I like it, I knew there was something better. Then it hit me, the most wonderful drink I was privileged enough to taste as a gift when I did my first cocktail showcase. Patron Burdeos had the taste of fruit and wine from it's wonderful aging in the Bordeaux wine barrels. When you mix that with the proof of a good tequila you get a drink a is is better than cognac at being brandy. A snifter of this neat would be fitting for the last drink of the evening.

Dessert: Lava Cake, Ice Cream, Berries 
I needed some chocolate for dessert, but also a little more creaminess other than just cheese and butter. Lava cake is a great go-to dessert because it's never bad, but when it's good, it's tremendous. If the cake has a good crunch to the shell that almost cracks allowing the hot lava to flow out, then you have yourself an amazing cake. You naturally need some cold to go with that. So some vanilla ice cream, you can't beat a cliche sometimes. A few chilled strawberries, and maybe a few raspberries

I thought of doing a whole spread of every kind of food imaginable, but I knew much of it wouldn't pair together. So I opted for the most luxurious cohesive spread I could. A meal that would remain uncluttered was a necessity. I wouldn't want a volcano sushi roll with some barbeque pulled pork and creme brulee. It just would mesh right on any level, though all of those things are amazing on their own.

I thought I'd price this were I to order it at a restaurant assuming average markup and prices. I'd actually estimate this at a little over $200, maybe $240. A good chunk of that comes from just the Burdeos. Were I to make this on my own, excluding cooking costs, it may only cost about $65 if I shopped the deals available to me. Of course, that is by the ounce for cocktails and may be considerably higher than that if you factor in the cost of whole bottles and containers. But I think this meal would be worth that. In practicality, I might switch the Burdeos for something more practical, but this thought experiment was for the ideal meal.

"The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself"
- Louis C.K.

Photo Credit: Flickr, Wikimedia, Pixabay

Tobacco and drinking

I'm going to open with a quote this time: "To be honest, after years of smoking & drinking, you do sometimes look at yourself & think... in between the first cigarette with coffee in the morning to that 400th glass of corner-shop piss at 3am, you do sometimes look at yourself & think: 'This is fantastic, I'm in heaven.'" A truly wonderful quote by Dylan Moran in Black Books. Guilty pleasures are what makes us so interesting. Hedonism, consciously unconscious self-destruction, cognitive dissonance, a glorious blend of yummy yummy and boo hoo, that's what smoking is. That's what drinking is. And it's so much better when they're combined together. Why is it that the things that feel best in the world always have those little strings attached.

Drinking and smoking have been entwined into our culture for a long time. From the upper-class ladies sipping a martini and smoking a long cigarette, to a tired politician smoking a cigar with a glass of whiskey or brandy. I'm sure a Budweiser can has been used as an ashtray many a time. It occurred almost simultaneously that we discovered that smoking was bad for us and that alcoholism was declared a disease, despite their massively extensive history. What is it about a slow release of poison into our system that is so fantastic?

Tobacco and drink have gone together a long time, so much so that many cigars are ever aged on old liquor barrels. I'm smoked a number of whiskey, rum, and brandy cigars, where the tobacco leaves are aged in the old wood. They take on the smell and some of the flavors on the spirit.

Tobacco liqueur does exist as well. It's a fairly new product. It takes fresh tobacco from Louisiana along the Missippi. It carries a great oily nature from the fresh tobacco leaves. Dried smoking tobacco has a much different nature than fresh of course. It was actually featured on Travel Channels Booze Traveler.

The cigar bar is an ancient institution. While they really only became truly popular as cigar bars in the nineties after the smoking bans. Before the bans, everyone smoked in bars. Some bars might've had no-smoking areas but it was just how it was done, going back to gentleman's clubs and hunting lodges and the like. Hookah bars have also started popping up in cities and small towns across the country. They take a good deal of their theme from Middle Eastern and Asian bars and cafes, though some are blending more into the gentleman's club vibe. Human beings seem to need an activity to occupy them while having meaningful conversations. They smoke, have a drink, or play a game of chess. Smoking and drinking in theory are individual actions but they bring about a great sense of community. I got one of my first jobs by having a conversation with a manager over a cigarette while he was on break. These days especially, smoking has become a community.

Aside from the glorious smokey flavor that ties tobacco with so many spirits and the great sense of community granted by both indulgences I really don't know what makes them so great together. But they are. 

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself."

- Johnny Carson

Photo Credit: Needpix, pikist

Stereotyping a Cocktail

I've seen many posts as to how what you order makes you look a certain way. Like how Appletinis and Jack and Cokes make you seem amateurish, or Jager and Red Bull makes you seem jockish. People drinking Long Island Iced Teas want to get drunk. I'm curious what you as a person dictates about your drink.

Before I get into this article I would like to say that I don't regard myself as a hateful person, nor do I believe that a stereotype can be truly accurate. I acknowledge that every person falls on a spectrum not necessarily a category. That being said, bartenders often make assumptions about guests as to what they like. We, of course, take whatever information we can from dialogue with our customers but other information is acquired based on things like, their mood, how well they dress, any accent they might have, their gender, and even their race. Some might summarize it in less specific terms like aura, energy, presence, je ne sais quoi, using their intuition, or some other politically correct term. I think it's time to talk about some of these things though. Yes, the world is a melting pot and many of these stereotypes may be becoming less and less accurate but they're still there. 

Women like cosmopolitans. Black people like Hennessy. Rednecks like cheap macro beer. 

Girls don't like whiskey. Men shouldn't be seen with fruity drinks in a bar. and so on.

I know an exception to every statement I just wrote, but they are still commonly believed.

Some craft bartenders I know try to make a drink that everyone in the world can enjoy, and that is something to strive for. But there are some amazing cocktails throughout the years that clearly fit a niche market. I have never in my life met a 22-year-old woman who drinks a rusty nail. Nor have I met a 70-year-old man who would drink a fuzzy navel. Sometimes drinks are made for a certain personality. The best drink I ever had was one that was made for me. The person sitting next to me's favorite drink would be different. Every drink recipe I know I tailor to my guest, a splash more of this, double the whiskey in that for him, a little champagne on top for her.

Now bartenders, of course, use a bit of stereotyping and abductive reasoning. Women tend toward fruitier lighter drinks, along with a more colorful palette. Most men like to be seen as men, so they drink harder spirits, whiskeys and they like and don't mind a dirty brown color to their drink. Any fruit is meant for the women. Younger, light-hearted women tend to take the lighter spirits with the fruit juices. These are drinks like Fuzzy Navels, Sex on the Beaches, Malibu Bay Breezes, and shots like the Silk Panties. More mature discerning women might go to a cosmopolitan, pomegranate martini, or have learned a taste in wine but still like lighter drinks than the opposite sex. Young men will drink Jack or Captain and Coke or stick to beer. Men who don't look like they're out at the bar for a party often stick to harder spirits like neat whiskey and martinis. Perhaps it's that the selecting sex that gets to drink whatever cocktails they want. Maybe drinking scotch at a bar has become a style of our mating dance. It may as well be noted that the rise of the feminist movement has also shown a rise in whiskey sales as well. Women are getting tired of drinks that infantilize them.

Wallet size is often correlated with beer knowledge. Young cheap people drink domestic hop water. Someone who asks for a Belgian Style IPA tends to be a bit more world traveled. Different classes also have some drinks commonly associated with their culture. In more "urban settings" (you know what I mean) people, mainly men, tend to like drinks that show off in some way. Expensive products talked about in rap music tend to appeal, as do some drinks that make you seem bad-ass, like a shot of flaming 151. In fact, many people actually credit rap music to saving the cognac industry. The gaudy approach is intended to draw attention and admiration from those around you rather than actually be of quality. A corollary could be drawn from a similar desire to wear large ostentatious jewelry. The nightclub scene, dive bar scene and craft cocktail scene are all very different of course.

There's a common practice among bars with experienced bartenders to have a "bartender's choice" on the menu. It's very hard to guess what a person wants besides what you can see. If you are self-conscious that you don't want to have people make an assumption about you or be pigeonholed, you might be best skipping this option. That said most bartenders are very good at it. Some bartenders can tell just by a person's hands things like what type of occupation they have, how long their workday was, and things like how much time they spend on personal appearance. That information is usually accurate and tells a bartender a lot about what kind of drink a guest might like. A bartender's ability to read a person's desires with as few words exchanged as possible is a skill in itself. It's truly impressive at times, and I find it fun to see what people think of me. 

I want to hear what you all have to say about this. 

What assumptions do you make about what cocktails your guests might like?

Photo Credit: Pikist

Speed over Quality?

I recently started tending bar at a new location, a fairly casual restaurant. I was in training so they put me on the service bar. A ticket came in for a Manhattan and we were a bit slow so I naturally took the time to pull out my bar spoon and give it a proper stir. My other, senior,  bartender said, "I can't remember the last time I did that." This sparked a rousing conversation as to, WHY THE HELL NOT? He was used to busier shifts and had grown used to taking the shortcut of simply swirling such drinks. Now I've worked in such bars where these shortcuts are commonplace, but when I have time I've always done things with as much care as possible. I see this more and more these days, I believe it's a phenomenon primarily experienced in America. The fast-paced, fast food lifestyle has lent itself to drink. 

Many bartenders can probably cite Sweet and Sour mix to be the symbol of this phenomenon. Sour mix started as a shortcut some bars would use to save time when batching cocktails in high volume. simply juicing lemons and limes in bulk at the beginning of a shift with some sugar worked as an all-purpose ingredient for countless drinks. Shortly after, store brand sour mix emerged, possibly to make bartending more accessible to the home hobbyist. What's fact is that it started getting used in bars. A blend of artificial sweeteners and dyes and chemical concentrates actually replaced what's fresh that we had right in front of us. It's cheap, doesn't spoil, saves time, and takes less training. 

Now the nightlife thing has caught on in such a big way people have forgotten what things actually taste like. We've become so used to the speedy sugary convenience that we forgot what something of craft tastes like. While bars have always been a home to social interaction, they were also where a bartender was respected. These days people would be fine getting a drink from a robotic gun shooting it into a glass. I doubt anyone a century ago ever imagined someone would order a can of macro beer in a restaurant. The original Irish pub was meant to be a second home. You were to feel as though you were a guest in someone's living room. Perhaps we've come full circle to that and actually started drinking the same swill we get at home for five times the cost just to feel social.

I will yield I got my start in bars and even a bartending school that stressed speed rather than knowledge and technique. I learned that speed comes with practice. Practice the sloppy and rudimentary and you'll quickly become a decent bartender at a sloppy boring bar. Practice style and grace, learn the meaning behind the technique, and soon enough you'll be a great bartender in any bar.

I would apologize for being preachy, but I never met a preacher who apologized for it.

"Associate with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation; for it is better to be alone than in bad company."
- George Washington

Photo credit: pikist

A Robot Behind the Bar

For a while now I've heard people saying that bartenders are getting too pretentious or that they just pour booze into a cup. For some bartenders that might be true. Working at the service bar some of us do turn into robots. A ticket comes in, it is made and sent out to a table. There is no real customer interaction and that is really what makes a world-class bartender. Though not all people want a conversation or a show with their drink. In this day of instant and Keurig coffee, why not apply the same appeal to alcohol.

The first actual robot bartender I heard about was the Cocktails for you. This was a fairly simple robot featured on the BBC show Gadget Man in 2012 with Stephen Fry. Jeremy Clarkson commented that the spinning bottles and glowing blue lights made it seem very gadgety. Originally costing about $7,500, holding ten bottles, with a touch screen display, it was quite impressive for its time.

The Monsieur gained a tremendous amount of publicity on Kickstarter and raised over $40,000 beyond its original $100,000 goal. You can check it out here or at their original Kickstarter page here. Costing around $4000 per unit, they say it is ideal for businesses, nightclubs, and of course home use. As a bartender/mixologist myself, I personally took issue with a few points. The main one being that in my opinion, it is not versatile enough. It only holds eight bottles of ingredients. My personal bar was bigger than that before I even turned 21. In terms of just syrups and mixers that is fairly lacking, let alone liqueurs, and assorted call brands. Do I expect a 20-inch cubic unit to have Campari or every flavor of vodka? No, I suppose that's unreasonable. I could see high volume places supplementing their production with machines like this, using smartphones and tablets to put in drink orders and automatically billing guests, but they would never fully replace a stocked bar and competent bartender.

The last thing I'd like to share is a lovely article featuring commentary by Isaac from The Love Boat. This article showcases a futuristic cruise ship being made today that will have a fully robotic bartender. There are robotic arms that can shake tins and serve drinks rather than having them come out of a tap. The Makr Shakr, I will admit, is pretty cool. I do, of course, hate plastic cups, but I suppose I wouldn't trust a robot that looks like it came straight from building a Mustang with crystal stemware. It does certainly have the potential to eventually make some incredibly impressive cocktails. utilizing various call brands, and possibly eventually making its own syrups, shrubs, and rapid infusions. A bit of programming and a few gadgets added to check sugar contests and acid levels and the like and a machine like this could create drinks that human beings couldn't compete with.

That said, bartenders do a lot more than make drinks. We are hosts. We cater everything to our guests. I've made a gin and tonic fifty different ways for different guests in different moods. I like being greeted in a bar by a warm smile, a hearty handshake, and a general sense of welcoming friend on the other side of the bar top. I tell jokes and stories, do flair and magic, and provide guidance and consolations to those that need it. I have quelled arguments and provided remedies for the sick. While the Monsieur can tell when you come home late and offer a double, or a celebration drink when your sports team wins. I may sound cocky, but bartending and customer service is a lot more than that.

“Let us remember that the automatic machine is the precise economic equivalent of slave labor. Any labor which competes with slave labor must accept the economic consequences of slave labor.”
- Norbert Wiener

Photo Credit: Pikist, Wikimedia

The Gin Lifestyle

Gin has been associated with old women for a while in my opinion. Mothers, doctors, and protectors are the ones who drink gin. Gin in this day and age has a fairly distinct flavor, especially to the young drinker. It's nothing too revolutionary. This may be an oversimplification, but it's essentially it is just the original vodka infusion, flavored with juniper and assorted other botanical notes. The flavors and process are what give it these associations in my view.

Botanicals are often used as medicines and remedies. Coriander, cassia bark, angelica, licorice, grains of paradise are all common flavoring agents of gin. Coriander helps with a variety of digestive issues and can ease joint pain. Cassia cinnamon lowers blood sugar, helps with nausea, and some people use it for sexual aid. Angelica is used to help circulation and increases appetite. Licorice eases sore throats and coughs. Juniper, the dominant flavoring component of most gin is used as medicine to treat digestive health, cure urinary tract infections, and help with kidney stones. Of course, alcohol itself is used for a variety of medical issues. Doctors to this day recommend a bit of wine to help the heart. There was a case I heard of a man who was prescribed a bottle of whisky (Johnie Walker Black Label) to cure his blindness caused by formaldehyde poisoning. The article can be found here. Ethyl alcohol is used all over, and in some developing nations, they improvise and use it to fight a lot of poisons and bacteria.

The quintessential gin cocktail is the gin and tonic. Tonic, of course, is synonymous with medicine. The cocktail was introduced by the British navy to help fight malaria which was prevalent around India. The typical lime garnish was also a common cure for scurvy.

Gin has something of a dry, bitter flavor. You may not associate any particular alcohol with medicine and I urge you to change your thoughts on this. In fairness, alcohol is a poison. But we use chemotherapy as a treatment and that is really just a poison fighting another poison. Alcohol is the same way. Gin is the greatest example of this, alcohol blended with a variety of other medicines. It's oldest history goes to a dutch physician who knew that juniper drinks were already being used by patients to calm nerves and settle stomachs. 

This is going to be a part of a series I'm doing about how different spirits appeal to different cultures and personalities. Check out my other posts on Rum, Tequila, Whisky, and other liquors and liqueurs. Much of what I'm posting has been opinion, much of it generalized and is not meant to be thought of as fact.

No quote today but enjoy this video: https://youtu.be/wDIiPIJmXcE

Photo Credit: Pikrepo

The Tequila (Mescal / Mezcal) Lifestyle

Tequila has always been associated with tradition and family.

First just a quick snippet on the difference between tequila and mescal (mezcal). All tequila is mescal. Tequila simply has to be made in the designated tequila regions. Tequila has been a bit better distributed globally and is usually seen as a more premium style, much like the differences between champagne and sparkling wine.

When I think of tequila and mescal I think about the old west. People wearing big hats, working with their hands, and doing everything from scratch is the face of tequila. Tequila is fairly unique in that, to my knowledge, it is still dominantly, if not exclusively, harvested by hand, with next to no help from machinery at all. Many wineries have switched to mechanical harvesting. Whiskeys, vodkas, and other grain-based alcohols have been using massive threshers and harvesters. With tequila, it's still the jimador out there in the fields with the donkeys. Taking their bladed coa carving off the leaves of the agave is a very daunting task. Jimador families have been training their children in the craft for countless generations. It's long days in the sun, heavy lifting, decent chance of injury, and it's not the highest paying work. But it is the tradition.

That handcrafted element carries on into a lot of aspects of tequila production. I'm going to reference Patron here, as I've done some work with them. Not only do they employ family harvesters, but the craft of their distillation is also quite traditional. When they wanted to increase production past their original small factory, they didn't buy a larger facility, they built an identical factory right next door, using the exact same water source and the same methods. Their new line of Patron Roca actually uses the original volcanic stone to mash the cooked agave to get all the juices out. admittedly this is now pulled on a rope by a tractor instead of a poor donkey. The bottles are hand blown and every one is unique. It's definitely true that not all tequila companies do this. Many use mechanical shredders rather than a stone, and I'll happily say that I don't think a hand-blown bottle makes a product taste better. But it's a part of the culture of tequila for me. Tequila recipes really were tinkered with or touched all too much until recently when some flavored tequilas started coming out.

This is going to be a part of a series I'm doing about how different spirits appeal to different cultures and personalities. Check out my other posts on Rum, Whisky, Gin, and other liquors and liqueurs. Much of what I'm posting has been opinion, much of it generalized and is not meant to be thought of as fact.

"Take life with a grain of salt, a slice of lime, and a shot of tequila."

Photo Credit: Pikist, Wikimedia

The Absinthe Lifestyle

Absinthe drinkers are the dreamers of today and yesterday.

Absinthe was the drink of the impressionist period, as well as the follow-up movements of post-impressionism, surrealism, and modernism. Degas, Gauguin, Manet, and Picasso painted absinthe in their work. Vincent Van Gogh was a ferocious absinthe drinker. The author Hemingway said, "One cup of [absinthe] took the place… of all the things he had enjoyed and forgotten and that came back to him when he tasted that opaque, bitter, tongue-numbing, brain-warming, stomach-warming, idea-changing liquid alchemy.” Idea changing, brain warming, alchemy, I like that.

Absinthe has of course been embraced by the gothic culture. Absinthe was featured in Bram Stoker's Dracula and Interview with a Vampire. Moulin Rouge featured a literal embodiment of absinthe in the green fairy, which featured Ozzy Osbourne dubbing the laugh of the character. Marilyn Manson has developed his own brand of absinthe, Mansinthe, which he has used as a base for some of his oil paintings.

There is a ritual about absinthe. A fantasy and sense of wonder surround the drink. The myths of its hallucinogenic properties still remain. Absinthe hasn't even been legal in the United States for the last ten years. The hallucinogenic properties are, of course, grossly exaggerated. It's understandable how the lore continues though. First, it's fun to scare people with that fact. Second, you're not supposed to drink it straight. You have to dilute it and guess what, it changes color! It is a bizarre chemical reaction that a casual drinker wouldn't have seen before and probably wouldn't trust. The sense of taboo about absinthe has caught on with the outcast and eccentric crowd. Dream on, paint your dreams, live your dreams, don't be scared. 

This is going to be a part of a series I'm doing about how different spirits appeal to different cultures and personalities. Check out my other posts on Whisky, Rum, Tequila, Gin, and other liquors and liqueurs. Much of what I'm posting has been opinion, much of it generalized and is not meant to be thought of as fact.

"After the first glass of absinthe you see things as you wish they were. After the second you see them as they are not. Finally, you see things as they really are, and that is the most horrible thing in the world."

- Oscar Wilde

Photo Credit: wikimedia

The Rum Lifestyle

When we think of rum, what do we think? I know I think pirates, fruity tiki drinks, and daiquiris. I see rum as a spirit meant to represent an escapist philosophy.

If we look at the daiquiri cocktail, you might know it was invented in the Cuban mining town of Daiquiri. It is widely agreed that the drink was invented by the mining engineer, Jennings Cox. If we look at the origins of a cocktail like this it can probably be agreed that miners were looking for an escape. The United States military was occupying Cuba and the economy was poor. They took what they had around, sugar, limes, and rum, and created a delicious cocktail. I, of course, cannot talk about the daiquiri without talking about Hemingway.

Hemingway was a massive daiquiri, cocktail, and rum drinker. Hemingway traveled the globe never settling too long in a place he didn't like. Born in Illinois, he joined the red cross during world war one and was sent to Paris as it was under bombardment. The war provided a lot of material for his writing. Arguably his most famous piece, The Old Man and the Sea, which he wrote in his later days when he settled in Cuba, reflected the great escape from the harsh tolls of reality that is the sea. And, of course, the author's tragic demise being his ultimate escape. That said, the author's favorite style of daiquiri was the papa doble, double rum, no sugar.

The daiquiri eventually became synonymous with the dream of sitting on a hot beach with a hot partner and a cold drink to seal the deal. In short, that's the tiki dream. Tiki, in general, has had a bit of an escapist lifestyle. The first tiki bar, Don the Beachcomber in Los Angeles, provided a tropical home away from home for those unable to live on the beach year-round. Tiki bars are usually decked out with idols, fish, boats, and other Caribbean artifacts.

And finally, when we think rum we think of pirates and our favorite absent-minded captain asking "Why is the rum gone?" Pirates historical have been cowards and deserters. Piracy extends from medieval times to this very day. When reminiscing of the pirate era, we think of cannons and muskets. Many pirates were old naval military men who decided they didn't want to fight for the state. They fled to the sea, fulfilling that escapist rum philosophy, taking and doing what they liked.

Rum is a sweet spirit. It goes hand in hand with fruits and sugars. Unlike other spirits that are very harsh and grounding, rum takes us away from reality. Rum is an escape. When you want to escape your strenuous job, forget the horrors of war, or just run away into the open sea, rum is the spirit to help you do that.

This is going to be a part of a series I'm doing about how different spirits appeal to different cultures and personalities. Check out my other Posts on Whiskey (Whisky), Tequila, Gin, and other liquors and liqueurs. Much of what I'm posting has been opinion, much of it generalized and is not meant to be thought of as fact.

"I drink to make other people more interesting"

-Ernest Hemingway

Photo Credit: pxfuel, needpix

The Whisky (Whiskey) Lifestyle

Whisky, the drink of the rebel, warrior, and the criminal. Rebellion and innovation.

There's much debate over who first created whiskey, the Irish, the Scots, the Italians, and some even speculate the Chinese. What can't be argued is who mastered the whiskey culture first: the Scottish and the Irish. For the record, the Scots were an Irish tribe, to quote Billy Connolly, a sort of mentally ill Irish tribe. "Come on lads, I know an even rainier place." The Celtic tribes were a famous warrior culture, barbarians who ran into battle naked and screaming. Not to stereotype, but to this very day the Irish and the Scots are known for fighting and roughhousing, from the IRA to your highland games and bar room brawls. The Celtic tribes fought against everyone from Rome to Great Britain. They were rebellious, they refused to be conquered and didn't care much for how they appeared to their enemy, so long as they were scared.

The Irish and Scots began distilling whisky around the beginning of the 15th century, over 600 years ago. This was just the infancy of distillation. In the 18th century, the union was created and a British tax on whisky malt was issued. The Scots weren't one to accept that and they decided to break the law. They were the original moonshiners, hiding the smoke from their illegal stills by distilling at night. When many passionate whiskey makers came to America the same lifestyle continued.

The Scottish and Irish immigrants found the rye fields of Pennsylvania very bountiful and began their old tradition. During the American Revolution, whiskey was used as currency. George Washington ran a distillery, the king of the rebels. Canadian whisky actually came to be slightly popular by dodging taxes and prohibition.

Whisky has always been a mellowed, but still, harsh spirit drank by rebels, fighters, outlaws, and criminals. From the businessman or politician sipping a scotch after a harsh day of cutthroat negotiations, to the moonshiners of today, doing it because they know it's against the law and that it's great fun, whiskey will be a part of a fighting culture for a very long time to come.

This is going to be a part of a series I'm doing about how different spirits appeal to different cultures and personalities. Check out my other posts on Rum, Tequila, Gin, and other liquors and liqueurs. Much of what I'm posting has been opinion, much of it generalized and is not meant to be thought of as fact.

P.S. Here's a little song about whisky, the single malt, and all the horrible things Americans have done to a truly blessed creation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVvkZ_6TQMA

Photo Credit: pixabay, pickpik