Greatest Bar Conversation I've Ever Seen (NSFW)

Bars and pubs were originally almost a sort of town hall. There are many tales of the founding fathers of America planning the revolution and writing the documents we read about in grade school. Bars for most people these days are a means of cutting loose, possibly venting your problems, and having a laugh.

If you work in this industry long enough in front of the house you hear a lot of interesting conversations. I've seen first dates crash and burn. I've heard lawyers give counsel to clients. I've heard businessmen negotiate deals and a couple politicians talking shop. There have been many rousing debates ranging from "Who was the star of that movie?" to far more serious matters. There was one conversation I partook in the other day that I believe takes the cake in terms of the greatest bar conversation.

What is the best food to eat while receiving oral sex?

I can't exactly remember how this conversation wound up to its final point of debate. I know it started with the idea of the greatest sensation a person can experience, or more sensations experienced simultaneously.

There is a great comedian by the name of Dylan Moran who I've referenced a few times in my blog. He was on stage one night said, "I know you people really want. I know what everybody wants. You're thinking 'I want to be laying down on a cushion, with my mouth full of chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.' that's all you want."

A more commonplace idea I hear discussed is the idea of a "Shower Beer". This is a fabulous thing which I've partaken in many times. The hot with the cold, the relaxation, it's grand. But then the idea of "Shower Beer and a Blowjob" came around. A truly epic idea, which I may or may not have experienced. This was the case at the particular bar I was in one fortunate evening. The bartender said that she was partial to cheese fries and cunnilingus, perhaps the most modern American sentence of all time.

The debate raged with a few common agreements being made. Nothing using utensils where you had to cut the food up, or anything being excessively spicy need be considered. Various styles of pizza were a favorite. The joke of 69ing was of course made. But the idea really does sort of circle around the ego boost of the activities. You're feeling like king or queen of the world, like the great caesar being fed grapes by a concubine. Sushi was popular for a few people.

A few people went the desert route with ice cream sandwiches or chocolate-covered strawberries. Someone just said a milkshake. One particularly interesting person said fondue. With cheese, we circled back around to savory. Peanut butter and jelly, lobster Mac'n'cheese bacon-wrapped shrimp, ribs, wings. I personally think wings would be too much of a distraction. Gummi bears were well received. But a favorite was fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

What's your answer?

What's the best discussion you've ever overheard?

Photo Credit: pxhere, pixabay

Tasting: Unibroue Sommelier Collection

Today I'm going to be starting a series of posts tasting a line of products put out by a brand or corporation and bundled together to create something of a variety pack for passionate drinkers. I'll be trying beers, whiskeys, bitters, and everything in between. Today, it's the Unibroue Sommelier Collection.

La Fin du Monde

9.0% ABV, Triple style golden ale

This beer I admit to having before, many times. It was one of my earliest introductions to what I would call craft beer. When I started drinking this I saw it as very high proof compared to the normal domestic beer I was used to. This is the kind of beer that goes to your head. It has a wonderful spice to it, some dry clove. The yeast flavor is very prominent. There typically is a little sediment in the bottle but don't let that discourage you. It's the end of the world. I give this beer a 10/10. You really must try this beer.

Maudite

8.0% ABV, Strong Amber-Red Ale

After I poured this into the glass for the first time I noticed how long the head lasted. I really wouldn't go away. It's thick and malty. It's not an overly carbonated, but that foam is just stubborn. This is a nice amber. Again, there is a bit of sediment and cloudiness to this beer. The finish is nice and crisp. Inspite of the strong malty flavor you do get a little orange citrus complimenting the other spices. Despite the crispness, I don't love this beer quite as much. I give it a 7/10. Mainly because I can't think of an occasion or meal to enjoy it with. Though it is quite good. 

Trois Pistoles

9.0% ABV, Abbey Syle Strong Dark Ale

This was my first time trying this beer. The head is creamy, brownish beige, and rich. It starts fairly sweet on the tongue and finishes with a nice spiced rum finish. You pick up flavors of chocolate and spice in addition to the rum. The ABV is certainly still up there, but the creamier nature of this beer makes it a little harder to notice than in La Fin du Monde. There's a great malt flavor here. I give this an 8/10.

Don de Dieu

9.0% ABV, Triple Wheat Ale

When I think of a wheat beer I usually think of a massive glass with a lot of citrus. This is not a citrus heavy beer, and a 22 oz. wheat beer glass of that may be dangerous. Again at 9.0% ABV this certainly will bite you, especially after a tasting of the last few beers. The yeast flavor is certainly less in this than the La Fin du Monde and Maudite. There is next to no spice flavor by comparison. there are sweeter notes of honey with some vanilla and some floral and fruity components. It's described as having hints of an unfiltered sake and you can actually really see that. 7/10.

Blanche de Chambly

5.0% ABV, Belgian Witbier

As far as this tasting went, this was the beer I kept going back to in order to cleanse my palette. This is much more typical of a traditional wheat beer. It has the typical citrus feel, with some added coriander flavor. The head is light and the carbonation is akin to a champagne. It's a nice beer but feels very out of place compared to the rest of the line of products offered here. I'm actually only to give this a 5/10. It's a fine beer, but very average and with the price point you have better options. 

Ephemere Apple

5.5% ABV, White Ale Brewed with Apple Must

This really does remind me of a cider, but it's less sweet, harsher. It's made with granny smith style apples, but it is still a beer. Make no mistake about that. If a customer comes in and would like a cider, they will not be happy with this. I'm going to give this a 6/10. It's a nice drink, a decent ale, very akin to a belgian white. Unibroue has done some amazing things but this isn't amazing. Perhaps it's just not a concept I care for as I haven't had many apple beers. I doubt I'd seek this out again though.

“Isn’t beer the holy libation of sincerity? The potion that dispels all hypocrisy, any charade of fine manners? The drink that does nothing worse than incite its fans to urinate in all innocence, to gain weight in all frankness?”

- Milan Kundera

The Shamrock in the Guinness.

I remember the first time I went into a pub and ordered a Guinness. This was a good, proper pub that poured it on nitro, had the glasses, and knew what they were doing with it. I'd had Guinness by the can and bottle before but there's something special about getting a beer on draft. I also remember going into a pub a few years ago and ordering a Guinness and noticed an extra step in its serving, drawing a shamrock in the foam. I thought this was a cute little touch at first, but the more feedback I hear from people whose opinion I respect in such matters, the more I dislike the idea. 

The original piece of negative feedback I heard on the subject was from a character named Super Hans on the David Mitchell show, Peep Show. He said you were effectively drinking an advertisement for a product you're already drinking. I find that argument a bit lacking, but it is a point. I more prefer the argument that it actually diminishes the ritual of the perfect Pint. 

Guinness has a long-standing standard of what it is to perfectly pour their beer. They offer a certification program for bartenders. You're meant to take a clean, dry, clear Guinness branded glass at a 45-degree angle and pull the handle. Once the beer reaches the harp you straighten the glass and stop the tap. Let the beer cascade until it's gasses settle. The continue to fill to give the beer a perfect head. Or as Dara O'Briain explained: "You have to let it sit, let it go black. Then you push it back so that more gas goes into it. 5/12 of an inch is the ideal head around the top. And if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork." 

As a friend put it once, "Never go into a bar that has a neon shamrock." The Shamrock in the pint seems to be the mark of a place that is Irish for the sake of being a theme restaurant. There's a big difference between your chains and your properly Irish pubs. A pub is simple, it doesn't need frills or flashy lights. It just needs good beer and quaint surroundings to be with friends. I can't stand plastic cups. Karaoke belongs in karaoke bars. Irish Pubs just need beer, proper beer. It's a pub, not a Starbucks. I've said enough quotes this post so I think I'll close on a song that explains what way too many pubs have become: 

My Ideal Meal

This was an interesting thought experiment I posed to myself. What would my ideal meal be if money, materials, and time were no object? My birthday is coming soon at the time of writing this post and I was wondering what I'd like to do for it. A nice hearty dinner has always been a tradition, but if I could have anything, from any restaurant, for any number of courses, along with any drink pairings, what would I want? To be clear, these are all items I've enjoyed individually in the past, though not necessarily together. While these are not all my favorite foods specifically, they are foods that hold some significance or nostalgia to me. I hope you enjoy it. What would you do for your greatest meal ever?

Drink 1: Americano

This is my staple before meal drink. It's light. It opens my palate. It won't compete with other flavors and it's one where I can sip it at any speed I like and on a hot day, it is truly refreshing. This drink was the first drink ever ordered by James Bond in Ian Flemming's novel, Casino Royale. I adore Campari so I knew I'd need that in my first drink as it is an aperitif. For the vermouth, I would prefer Vya, a new, Californian made, line of Vermouth. I might take it with regular soda, but I would prefer it with Perrier. It is worth mentioning that during the entire meal I would like a side of ice water. 

Appetizer: Cheese and Meat Plate

To follow up with the last bits of my cocktail, I would like to consume an array of cured meats and fine cheeses. I know I would require some prosciutto, ideally thin-sliced prosciutto de parma. Some of the meats must be a bit spiced, some properly made pepperoni, salami, or bologna. One of the greatest slices I've eaten recently was actually of duck prosciutto so I'd like a few slices of that, but not too many as it's quite rich. I'd like a bit of Roquefort, sheep's blue cheese, but again not too much. In contrast, I believe that some smoked brie or Pierre Robert would be in order. We may as well throw in some goat's milk cheese as well, some bucheron perhaps. Naturally, there would be a few other compliments such as candied walnuts and spicy stone mustard, along with bread, oil, and jam.

Drink 2 and 3: Sazerac & Fruh Kolsch

As I move from lighter flavors of cheese to some stronger flavors I opted for my ultimate favorite cocktail and a good all day drinking beer. Yes, a bit of double fisting here, but I would be sitting and having water as well. The Sazerac is really a favorite cocktail if I know I have a competent bartender tending to me. It's supposedly the first cocktail truly invented in the United States though there is much dispute over this. The original recipe supposedly called for cognac, and then started being cut with rye, until eventually it just became a rye whiskey cocktail, which is how I like it. I like Dad's Hat Rye with Grande Absente for the rinse. 

Fruh holds a special place in my heart as the first drink I ever had technically legally. Sorry, Herr Goetz but I had a few beers when I was on the school exchange in Germany. It was in violation of the school regulations, but it was worth it. A group of us students went out with the German students to Rhein Park and we drank. We got a case of Fruh and of something else, Spaten or Becks. I'd had plenty of beer before, even wine, and a few liquors. But there was something about that beer that made me feel good. This was the first where I really felt like that there was nothing wrong with it. We didn't have to hide it from anybody. I looked for this beer everywhere when I came to be of age in the United States to no success. It is in no way the best beer I've ever had, but it's a simple true pleasure. One particularly bad day I found myself at a bar and they had Fruh on draft. As I was drinking that beer all the awful things that were happening fell away.

Entree: Surf and Turf with Potatoes and Mac 'n' Cheese
You can never go wrong with two premium pieces of meat. Steak is one of those things that pair well with the heartier cheeses and my new refreshments. One of my favorite meals at my old job was a 9-ounce steak cooking in its own bloody juices topped with a disk of melted soft cheese, I forget which one at this time and a few potato medallions cooked in what I recall being duck fat. Like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction, I typically take my steak bloody as hell. To pay homage to the song of a dear friend, I think I'd have a porterhouse. Though I'd take it pan-roasted to medium rare with butter and light seasoning. A really wet steak would not be best paired with my other dishes and sides.

I have a long-standing love of lobster. I remember being a boy and cooking live lobsters with my parents. My cat would fight them and my father would try to recreate the scene from Naked Gun 2 1/2. I remember visiting Cape Cod in the summers as a child and eventually coming to love ripping apart and eating the messy treat. A bit of melted butter to pair with a split lobster tail and two big fat cracked claws is all I could ask for were it to be paired with a steak as well. I imagine a 2-pound lobster would suffice for this.

I debated a long time what side or sides I would want with this main course. Potatoes were what came so naturally, it was almost a cliche. Baked potatoes were never my style. Roast potatoes in duck fat would easily be my ideal, but I always like mashed potatoes too. So I decided to have both. A half dozen or so baby potatoes split and fried to give them a nice crisp snap. Naturally, a little salt and pepper, possibly rosemary.

The mashed potatoes would require some mix-ins. A bit of garlic and cheddar cheese should suffice, but butter, cream, and other light flavors would be welcome. A nice creamy feeling to wash the palate. I don't care for them overly lumpy or fluffy. a nice creamy texture is what makes it my comfort food. I thought of incorporating bacon to the potatoes, but I thought that better suited to some pasta, or better yet, some Mac 'n' Cheese.

I firmly believe that the best macaroni and cheese is baked with bread crumbs on top, forming a crust. Bacon pieces should be incorporated, not bacon bits, pan-cooked bacon sliced to about 3/4". Also, nice long noodles please, while elbows and shells promote nostalgic thoughts of mom making Kraft or Velveeta, I believe, in this case, comfort food serves the function of providing the comfort. Oddly enough the cheese sauce blend isn't a real concern for me in this dish though I would like it not to be over watery, and preferably to have a little spice to it, a little warmth.

Drink 4: Patron Burdeos
I thought a very long time about what my after-dinner drink should be. Ideally, my previous two would hold through my main course spread. I thought of whiskey, port, amaro, or even a boozy milkshake kind of drink. While whiskey was my style, I thought it better suited to leave that to pair with the steak and not to be with dessert. Then I thought of brandy. No, that wouldn't be for me. While I like it, I knew there was something better. Then it hit me, the most wonderful drink I was privileged enough to taste as a gift when I did my first cocktail showcase. Patron Burdeos had the taste of fruit and wine from it's wonderful aging in the Bordeaux wine barrels. When you mix that with the proof of a good tequila you get a drink a is is better than cognac at being brandy. A snifter of this neat would be fitting for the last drink of the evening.

Dessert: Lava Cake, Ice Cream, Berries 
I needed some chocolate for dessert, but also a little more creaminess other than just cheese and butter. Lava cake is a great go-to dessert because it's never bad, but when it's good, it's tremendous. If the cake has a good crunch to the shell that almost cracks allowing the hot lava to flow out, then you have yourself an amazing cake. You naturally need some cold to go with that. So some vanilla ice cream, you can't beat a cliche sometimes. A few chilled strawberries, and maybe a few raspberries

I thought of doing a whole spread of every kind of food imaginable, but I knew much of it wouldn't pair together. So I opted for the most luxurious cohesive spread I could. A meal that would remain uncluttered was a necessity. I wouldn't want a volcano sushi roll with some barbeque pulled pork and creme brulee. It just would mesh right on any level, though all of those things are amazing on their own.

I thought I'd price this were I to order it at a restaurant assuming average markup and prices. I'd actually estimate this at a little over $200, maybe $240. A good chunk of that comes from just the Burdeos. Were I to make this on my own, excluding cooking costs, it may only cost about $65 if I shopped the deals available to me. Of course, that is by the ounce for cocktails and may be considerably higher than that if you factor in the cost of whole bottles and containers. But I think this meal would be worth that. In practicality, I might switch the Burdeos for something more practical, but this thought experiment was for the ideal meal.

"The meal isn't over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself"
- Louis C.K.

Photo Credit: Flickr, Wikimedia, Pixabay

Glassware: Beer Glasses

This is part of my series I'll be doing on different glassware and their functionality. Not only do different glasses naturally have their unique visual appeal but it's important that people know why these glasses have their shape so when people start creating their own drinks and cocktails they know the best vessel to keep the integrity of the drink intact or at least can understand how the drink might change due to the nature of the glass. 

Mug 6-35oz.
Steins, tankards, and mugs are the staple of all-day beer drinking. In German beer gardens and beer halls, a handled mug is a tradition. They hold a large amount of liquid and are great for walking around with. Beer vessels are traditionally made of glass, many mugs are ceramic. Stein translated roughly means stone. Traditional German steins are often made from pewter, porcelain, or even silver. Steins feature a pewter lid to keep insects out with a thumb handle for one-handed opening and drinking. Adding a handle or stem to a glass also allows the drink to remain colder as your body heat is not in as direct contact with the liquid. Most mugs and steins are adorned with decorations such as family crests and humorous slogans or images. Mugs are typically used with lighter beers like golden colored Oktoberfest beers.

Stange 6.5-10oz.

The stange or stangen glass is what some people call the purest beer glass. They are tall straight cylinders. This means that they more or less have the least influence on a beer's state. There are no engravings or curves to affect the smell or taste. They are used to bring out the flavors of the most delicate beers. It's said to amplify the malt and hops flavors. Many people will simply substitute this for a collins glass.

Pint Glass 16oz.
The conical pint glass is probably the most common type of glass found behind a bar, except for maybe wine glasses in some bars. These glasses are simple and multipurpose. These are also the type of glasses that fit best in a Boston shaker. They are often called mixing glasses. For this reason, the dimensions are very standardized. There's really nothing special about these glasses that best match any particular style of beer, but they certainly aren't the worst option for any style. Typically heavier beers don't receive the 16oz. portion size though. 

English Pub Glass (Nonic) 20oz.

These glasses are naturally a bit more popular in European-style bars and with European style beers. These glasses have slightly thinner glass than mixing glasses. They also feature a slight bulge an inch or two below the rim. This minor bulge does not affect the beer in any real discernible way. The main function is to make the glasses easily stackable even when slightly wet. Mixing glasses tend to suction and stick to each other when stacked. The bulge also helps the drinker grip the glass. Supposedly it also reduced the chances of the glass chipping around the rim. Again these glasses can be used for pretty much any style of beer.

Wheat Beer Glass (Weizen) 16-23oz.
Wheat beers tend to produce a lot of head, even when poured professionally. These glasses were designed to help with heady beer. Bubbles always start at the bottom of a glass. Head of course forms at the top of the glass. By creating a smaller bottom and wider mouth, it limits the height of the head. The rim bows inward to help trap the head making it nice and dense. The small base is necessary for bars so you don't have to keep stopping and starting your pour waiting for the head to settle. It also means that the beer will stay carbonated longer.

Pilsner Glass 10-23oz.

Weizen glasses and Pilsner glasses are often confused due to their very similar style and size. Pilsner glasses are often a bit more straight-edged in shape rather than curved. They also don't bow inward at the rim. This is to let the aroma out. Wheat beers tend to already have a potent smell. Pilsners are a bit more subtle and the outward flare helps the nose. Many smaller pilsner glasses have a foot to them, rather than a wider bottom. This is to again reduce the amount of head but maintain the balance of the glass.

Porter / Stout Glass / Goblet / Chalice 12-15oz.

These are typically smaller sizes than the traditional 16oz pour. This is because they tend to feature darker colored beer, which is often higher in proof and flavor. The elevated bowl creates a lovely visual presentation for observing the rich colors. They bow inward to create that dense creamy head. Many home drinkers will opt to use a brandy snifter in place of a dedicated goblet.

Tulip / Thistle Glass 13-18oz.

These are sort of the reverse of the Weizen glasses. Thistle glasses pinch in a bit lower on the glass. They resemble Scotland's national flower and are thus used for scotch type ales. The pinch helps concentrate the aroma and the flared rim allows for a concentrated head. The stem also helps to keep the beer colder. They are very good all-purpose glasses for almost any craft beer. Tulip glasses are used predominantly for Belgian style beers.  

Ein Zwei Drei Vier. Lift your stein and drink your beer. 

Photo Credit: Pikist, pikrepo, pxfuel, Wikimedia, needpix