Greatest Bar Conversation I've Ever Seen (NSFW)

Bars and pubs were originally almost a sort of town hall. There are many tales of the founding fathers of America planning the revolution and writing the documents we read about in grade school. Bars for most people these days are a means of cutting loose, possibly venting your problems, and having a laugh.

If you work in this industry long enough in front of the house you hear a lot of interesting conversations. I've seen first dates crash and burn. I've heard lawyers give counsel to clients. I've heard businessmen negotiate deals and a couple politicians talking shop. There have been many rousing debates ranging from "Who was the star of that movie?" to far more serious matters. There was one conversation I partook in the other day that I believe takes the cake in terms of the greatest bar conversation.

What is the best food to eat while receiving oral sex?

I can't exactly remember how this conversation wound up to its final point of debate. I know it started with the idea of the greatest sensation a person can experience, or more sensations experienced simultaneously.

There is a great comedian by the name of Dylan Moran who I've referenced a few times in my blog. He was on stage one night said, "I know you people really want. I know what everybody wants. You're thinking 'I want to be laying down on a cushion, with my mouth full of chocolate, and something lovely happening to my lower half.' that's all you want."

A more commonplace idea I hear discussed is the idea of a "Shower Beer". This is a fabulous thing which I've partaken in many times. The hot with the cold, the relaxation, it's grand. But then the idea of "Shower Beer and a Blowjob" came around. A truly epic idea, which I may or may not have experienced. This was the case at the particular bar I was in one fortunate evening. The bartender said that she was partial to cheese fries and cunnilingus, perhaps the most modern American sentence of all time.

The debate raged with a few common agreements being made. Nothing using utensils where you had to cut the food up, or anything being excessively spicy need be considered. Various styles of pizza were a favorite. The joke of 69ing was of course made. But the idea really does sort of circle around the ego boost of the activities. You're feeling like king or queen of the world, like the great caesar being fed grapes by a concubine. Sushi was popular for a few people.

A few people went the desert route with ice cream sandwiches or chocolate-covered strawberries. Someone just said a milkshake. One particularly interesting person said fondue. With cheese, we circled back around to savory. Peanut butter and jelly, lobster Mac'n'cheese bacon-wrapped shrimp, ribs, wings. I personally think wings would be too much of a distraction. Gummi bears were well received. But a favorite was fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies.

What's your answer?

What's the best discussion you've ever overheard?

Photo Credit: pxhere, pixabay

Milk Punch: Italian Flavor

So, this is my fourth attempt at making milk punch and my third success. For the record, this post is in no way an exact recipe with a glorious final product. It is a process I've been playing with and am still honing. That said, this was a pretty tasty drink. I first heard of the concept when I was in New York City for a bartending conference with the USBG, United States Bartender's Guild. I was actually truly fascinated by the process. It was captivating seeing clear liquid come out of that filter when it started with so many opaque. Let's start with the ingredients and tools you'll need:

Ingredients:

6 1/2 oz granulated sugar, 3 - 4 Lemons depending on size, 3 - 4 Limes, 2 Tsp Crushed Pepper, 1/2 tsp Cracked Black Pepper, 1 bag Rooibos Tea, 1 bag Mint Green Tea, 3 sprigs Rosemary, leaves of 3 sprigs of Sage, 1/16 oz. Thyme, 1/2 tsp dried Marjoram, 1/2 tsp dried oregano, 3 oz. Amaro del Capo, 9 oz. Gin, 20 oz. Milk

Tools:

Mixing bowl, muddler, measuring spoons, measuring cup, at least 2 large pots buckets or bowls, a chinois, enough cheese cloth to line the chinois 4 times over (I used 28 x 24 thread count), and lastly a means of bottling the final product

The start to any good punch, in my opinion, is an Oleo Saccharum. Peel two large lemons and two large limes and all your dry ingredients. For the tea bags tear them open and dump them in. The oils and the flavors from the herbs, leaves, and peels will be pulled out by the dried ingredients in a form of osmosis. Everyone has different feedback about how long this process takes. It, of course, depends on the recipe. Some people say that for a standard oleo is takes up to 72 hours to achieve full osmosis. This can be reduced with fancy cryo-vac machines, which I do not own. I only let this sit for 6 hours.

The next step does help infuse the flavor a little faster, though. Add 8 oz of boiling water to the bowl. This is how we make tea. Hot water infused much faster than cold, and much faster than osmosis between the flavors alone. the point is adding all this to the final product so we need to pull as much flavor out as we can without diluting too much. Let this steep, covered, until it settles down to about room temperature. Strain the whole contents of the bowl to a large pot. Rinse the bowl with some of the alcohol to collect any flavors or undissolved sugars. Add 4 oz of lemon juice and 4 oz. lime juice. Stir this around to make sure it's uniform. Next, comes the risky part. 

The milk. Start by heating it and bringing it to a near boil. If it starts to boil, take it off the heat immediately. Trust me it gets messy. Add the hot milk to the pot. The mixture should start to curdle. If it doesn't curdle well, add more citrus. Stir it around a little to let it all bind. You could put this in the fridge and then skim off the curds. I'm told using cheese cloth is not only faster but certainly more reliable at getting all the particulates out. Line the inside of the chinois with several layers of cheesecloth and clamp it to the rim. The more volume you can fit the better. Pour the punch through the strainer. Naturally, have a bowl or a bucket under the strainer to catch it.

The first part of the run will come out slightly cloudy as the curds fasten themselves into the cloth. Once it starts running clear, start cycling the liquid back into the strainer. the more you keep cycling it the cleaner the product will be. Yes, this process does take some time, several hours. I tend to cycle it back in once the flow slows to being drop by drop. Usually, it takes about 3 to 4 full runs. It takes ages the to get those last few drops out. One it's effectively done, take the cloth and lightly squeeze it over another bowl. If it comes out fairly clear, drink it, if you're getting a cloudy liquid out, you can still drink it but it might not taste great if you're getting curd. Next, I just funneled the good stuff into a bottle and stuck it in the fridge to chill. Serve with ice and drink up. You can also cut it with soda, sprite, or sparkling wine. I made my batch over a week ago and it tastes exactly the same. The shelf life is effectively infinite. 

The final product is a clear liquid with a slightly golden brown tint. It is a very herbaceous cocktail. The rosemary and black pepper pop as flavors and it leaves the mouth feeling dry. The alcohol is not too dominant. The dryness does not make it a drink you could drink for hours on end like some of my other punch batches. but it is tasty. The infinite shelf life granted by this process is ideal for a fancy drink you'd have once in a while. Stick a bottle in the fridge and have some every now and then.

“Drinking just to get drunk is like having sex just to get pregnant.”
- Robert Hess

My Bar Battle Station

So I thought I would share this. This is the bar I decided to build for my new home. I started with a desk and built a simple tiered shelving system. That very quickly filled up. I needed to expand so I got a metal wire shelving system. It took a little longer but that did start to fill up. It also lacked a workstation. So I expanded.

I started with this, the Whitmor 6070-5264 Supreme 5-Tier Shelving Unit. Naturally I got it in black. I'm a bartender, it's our color. This did work well for most bottles, but some bottles with small bases might wobble or topple. Shelf liners are recommended. I opted not to use the recommended liners, like this. I opted for simple mesh plastic sheets. I bought mine online, but you can find these kinds of things at your average craft store. They're used in needlepoint. I like them because they clean very easy, are semi-flexible and allow for easy adjustment and good traction. They are also typically a bit more affordable than your branded custom shelving liners, sometimes up to ten times less expensive. This was my start.

I expanded, and it's very easy to do that with this kind of shelving. I got a second 5-Shelf Shelving Unit. This time, I found cheaper one of these. Amazon started their own brand, and it was naturally less expensive. I now had two great shelves, I decided to add a workstation shelving system, a bridge in between the two racks. I thought I'd made the station a little wider. I opted for this. I got two to make it a little more stable and add a space for tools. I am not a big wine buff but I did splurge and get a rack designed for bottles.

Here in lies a problem. Despite having all the same listed dimensions, different brands to have slightly different dimensions. It's no more than a centimeter or two at most but that really does create a big problem when trying to line up the posts with the shelves. I had to put some of the deeper shelves in the middle and the thinner ones on the top and bottom. The system actually bows out slightly in the middle. It does remain stable, though. I'd certainly recommend getting two shelves of the same brand to avoid some of this headache.

Budget wise, the 5-shelf units cost about $80. The three long bridging racks cost $15 each. So, excluding shipping, the whole bar costs a little over $200 to build. Liquor and tools are up to you.

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
- Hunter S. Thompson

Tequila 401: Evolution of a Cocktail: The Margarita

The actual origins of the margarita are very open to discussion. It's been claimed by countless bars and bartenders as their own creation. Some stories seem to be more factual or fanciful than others. I'm going off what I believe. I told my favorite story in my Tequila 301 post, in this one I'll go into a few more other plausible stories.

The Daisy

2oz. Liquor, 1 Lemon juice, 3/4 Sweetener, 1 Club Soda, 1/2 Cordial

Add all the liquid ingredients to a mixing tin with ice, aside from the club soda. Shake and strain into a rocks glass with cracked ice. Garnish with an orange slice and a cherry. 

This is a very old style of drink with very little consistency in terms of the recipe. The drink style, daisy, is very similar to that of a sour, collins, or fizz. Any liquor can be used, brandy and gin being the two most popular. Grenadine is certainly one of the most common sweeteners used, but some recipes may call for simple syrup, gum syrup, or even an orange liqueur of some type. Some recipes omit the club soda or substitute chartreuse for the cordial. as a base, try 2 oz brandy, 1 oz. lemon juice, 3/4 grenadine, with club soda and orange curacao. 

The Sidecar

2 oz. Brandy, 3/4 oz Cointreau, 3/4 oz. Lemon juice, sugar rim

Add all the liquid ingredients to a mixing tin with ice. shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass with a sugar rim. Garnish with an orange slice and a cherry. 

This is the drink that would seem to be the most natural precursor to the margarita. While the margarita is in its core components a sour, it had to take a few steps to get there. These days the margarita is the reigning sour, a cocktail comprised of a liquor a sweetening agent and a souring agent. The sweetening agent in a margarita is typically the orange liquor, unlike the usual simple syrup. The earliest record of this drink is from 1922 as equal parts cognac, Cointreau, and lemon juice. It's a simple variation on the brandy daisy. This drink predates the margarita by at least a decade, possibly two. The margarita was just two baby steps away from this cocktail. 

The Margarita

2 oz. Silver Tequila, 1 oz. Cointreau, ¾ oz. Lime Juice

In a mixing glass add all the ingredients with ice. Shake and strain into a salt-rimmed margarita glass with ice. Garnish with a lime wheel. 

Here we have the legend, the drink that is possibly the best selling drink in America. Margarita actually means little daisy, though it is quite different from many of the original recipes in its use of lime juice over lemon. A daisy was a very common cocktail style in it's day and one can see how it influences a great many modern cocktails. The margarita is a great sour style cocktail and can easily be modified with other fresh fruit flavors. It remains a blank canvas to play with while still being absolutely charming on its own. Many people will actually take this drink up, without ice. There are no rules, 

The Frozen Margarita

2oz Tequila, 1/2oz Triple Sec, 1oz Lime, 1/2oz Simple Syrup, 8oz Ice

Add all the ingredients to a blender with ice. blend until a uniform consistency, usually about 12 seconds

This is, unfortunately, one of the many times I'll have to add a cocktail variant after the original that may actually be the version the average person is more familiar with. The recipe I gave is a great way of making fresh-tasting cocktails. With blended drinks, however, some people actually prefer drinks with concentrated lime juice or sour mix. Flavored mixes are so abundant that strawberry and mango flavored margaritas are just so easily replicable that everyone is doing it. This really is a good drink to sip on the vacation.

No matter how you enjoy your margarita, it's always nice to know a little bit of history behind it. The margarita is a canvas in its own right, but it does have its roots in other earlier cocktails. I'll never tell you what you should or should not like, but make sure you try the classics every once in a while.

- Tequila is like duct tape, it fixes damn near everything. 

Tasting: Unibroue Sommelier Collection

Today I'm going to be starting a series of posts tasting a line of products put out by a brand or corporation and bundled together to create something of a variety pack for passionate drinkers. I'll be trying beers, whiskeys, bitters, and everything in between. Today, it's the Unibroue Sommelier Collection.

La Fin du Monde

9.0% ABV, Triple style golden ale

This beer I admit to having before, many times. It was one of my earliest introductions to what I would call craft beer. When I started drinking this I saw it as very high proof compared to the normal domestic beer I was used to. This is the kind of beer that goes to your head. It has a wonderful spice to it, some dry clove. The yeast flavor is very prominent. There typically is a little sediment in the bottle but don't let that discourage you. It's the end of the world. I give this beer a 10/10. You really must try this beer.

Maudite

8.0% ABV, Strong Amber-Red Ale

After I poured this into the glass for the first time I noticed how long the head lasted. I really wouldn't go away. It's thick and malty. It's not an overly carbonated, but that foam is just stubborn. This is a nice amber. Again, there is a bit of sediment and cloudiness to this beer. The finish is nice and crisp. Inspite of the strong malty flavor you do get a little orange citrus complimenting the other spices. Despite the crispness, I don't love this beer quite as much. I give it a 7/10. Mainly because I can't think of an occasion or meal to enjoy it with. Though it is quite good. 

Trois Pistoles

9.0% ABV, Abbey Syle Strong Dark Ale

This was my first time trying this beer. The head is creamy, brownish beige, and rich. It starts fairly sweet on the tongue and finishes with a nice spiced rum finish. You pick up flavors of chocolate and spice in addition to the rum. The ABV is certainly still up there, but the creamier nature of this beer makes it a little harder to notice than in La Fin du Monde. There's a great malt flavor here. I give this an 8/10.

Don de Dieu

9.0% ABV, Triple Wheat Ale

When I think of a wheat beer I usually think of a massive glass with a lot of citrus. This is not a citrus heavy beer, and a 22 oz. wheat beer glass of that may be dangerous. Again at 9.0% ABV this certainly will bite you, especially after a tasting of the last few beers. The yeast flavor is certainly less in this than the La Fin du Monde and Maudite. There is next to no spice flavor by comparison. there are sweeter notes of honey with some vanilla and some floral and fruity components. It's described as having hints of an unfiltered sake and you can actually really see that. 7/10.

Blanche de Chambly

5.0% ABV, Belgian Witbier

As far as this tasting went, this was the beer I kept going back to in order to cleanse my palette. This is much more typical of a traditional wheat beer. It has the typical citrus feel, with some added coriander flavor. The head is light and the carbonation is akin to a champagne. It's a nice beer but feels very out of place compared to the rest of the line of products offered here. I'm actually only to give this a 5/10. It's a fine beer, but very average and with the price point you have better options. 

Ephemere Apple

5.5% ABV, White Ale Brewed with Apple Must

This really does remind me of a cider, but it's less sweet, harsher. It's made with granny smith style apples, but it is still a beer. Make no mistake about that. If a customer comes in and would like a cider, they will not be happy with this. I'm going to give this a 6/10. It's a nice drink, a decent ale, very akin to a belgian white. Unibroue has done some amazing things but this isn't amazing. Perhaps it's just not a concept I care for as I haven't had many apple beers. I doubt I'd seek this out again though.

“Isn’t beer the holy libation of sincerity? The potion that dispels all hypocrisy, any charade of fine manners? The drink that does nothing worse than incite its fans to urinate in all innocence, to gain weight in all frankness?”

- Milan Kundera

Pope's Hangover

This was a cocktail I was playing with during the Pope's visit to Philadelphia. Every week at my restaurant we feature a different city in Italy. We do regional dishes and wines and even a cocktail designed to pair well with the menu or that uses some regional ingredients or flavors. I was told that for our week in the Roman ghetto I would need to use a cocktail with Cynar. Why Cynar, I'm not entirely sure, but it's good to have a guide. Here's what I came up with. 

1.5 oz. Brandy

.5 oz. Cynar

.75 oz. Earl Grey Tea Syrup

.75 oz. Orange Juice

.5 oz. Egg White

Peychauds bitters

Add all the ingredients except the bitters to a mixing tin without ice. Dry shake until the ingredients are well emulsified. Open the shaker, add ice, and shake until well chilled. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with an orange wedge and a dash of Peychauds. 

Now, I don't personally like Cynar, but I find that amaro-style liqueurs work very well with tea. Perhaps it's the natural digestif qualities of both. I decided to continue this with brandy, a typical after dinner drink. I know lemon is more traditional with teas and toddies, but I was drinking during brunch time and found that the orange was more mellow and better maintained the balance of the drink. I called this drink the Pope's Hangover because everyone was beaten down by the Holy Pontiff coming to town. There was a crazy rush of tourists, but not enough money to keep people jazzed up. This drink was for that morning after.

"Men are like wine - some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age."
- Pope John XXIII

Tequila 201: The other Agave drinks

Pulque

Pulque is known as the drink of the gods, a Mexican Ambrosia, so to speak. This drink dates back about a thousand years. The drink was considered sacred and a privilege reserved for the upper class. Unfortunately, the beer industry spread a lot of stories about pulque and how it had cow excrement in it and pulque started being seen as low-class. Pulque is the fermented sap of the agave plant. Think of what beer is to whiskey. Pulque is that but to tequila and mescal. Pulque is usually made in a number of delicious flavors called curados. It's low proof, usually 3-5%. It's also pretty healthy, almost like a slightly alcoholic smoothie. 

Mezcal

Mezcal or Mescal is actually the original form of tequila. Much like how brandy is the basis for Cognac. All tequila technically is mezcal but produced in the designated regions around tequila Mexico. Tequila is a protected term, enforced by the Mexican government, while mezcal is not. The CRT, Consejo Regulador del Tequila (tequila regulatory council), makes frequent inspections on every aspect of tequila production to allow the producers to sell their product as tequila. Mezcal doesn't have that. Now you might think that this inherently makes tequila a better product but that's not necessarily the case. Tequila has to use at least 

Many modern mezcal producers have actually created products that rival and even dwarf the quality of some tequilas. For a while, the only brand of mezcal I could find was Monte Alban, which was a decent mezcal, but these days you can find all sorts of premium brands, like Wild Shot, Ilegal, and Joven. While tequila can only be made with the Weber Blue Agave, mezcal can be made from any of dozens of agave plants, but most commonly the green agave, or Agave Angustifolia. It is effectively still just distilled Pulque. It's made mainly in Oaxaca and has a stronger smokier flavor than tequila. It also has a worm. Yes, this is where the worm in the bottle comes from. It won't hurt you; drink it once. 

Bacanora

Bacanora at its foundation is just a different genre of Tequila. Bacanora was named after a town where it was popularly produced. Today, it is a protected term ensuring that is only made using the certain agave grown in the select northwestern regions of Mexico, the agave Pacifico or Agave Yaquiana. It is another government-regulated name that ensures that the product is only made to certain standards. In terms of flavor, it's a bit more robust than most tequilas but not quite as harsh and smokey as many mescals. 

Sotol

Sotol is worth mentioning as well. Sotol is another distilled Mexican spirit made and distilled in very much the same vein as mescal and bacanora. It technically doesn't use the agave plant, however. It is made from the Desert Spoon, or Dasylirion Wheeleri, which is a type of evergreen shrub common in northern Mexico and parts of Texas. This plant was originally fermented some 800 years ago. It started being distilled in the 16th century when the Europeans brought over distillation techniques. The production of this spirit is nearly identical to mescal down to the way it's harvested and trimmed. Much like tequila, it is put in three different age classifications: Plata, Reposado, and Anejo. Sotol is generally slightly smokier and more vegetal in flavor than the average tequila. 

Special mention to Raicilla

Photo Credit: Wikimedia, Flickr